Now let me set one thing straight, I do not think being a people pleaser is a bad thing. In fact, I think it shows that you deeply care about others and want so much good for them and want them to succeed. But here is the real question, at what cost does this come? From my experience, it comes at the cost of my own mental and emotional health. Anyone else out there guilty of sacrificing themselves in this way for someone else’s benefit? I am not at all saying that you shouldn’t do nice things for others, there just needs to be a line that is drawn. So today that is exactly what we are going to talk about, drawing lines and discussing how to stop being a people pleaser.
First things first, start small. Things are not going to change over night or quickly at all. Like any big change in your life, it’s best to start small so you don’t overwhelm yourself. Being a people pleaser isn’t something you just acquire one day, it is most likely something you are born with or have been doing since you were young. So changing these habits and kicking them are going to take some time. Start with small no’s in casual situations and work your way up from there. Saying no isn’t meant to make you feel guilty at all, it is meant to make your life more manageable and enjoyable.
GET RID OF ANY TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS
When you are trying to kick any bad habit, it is important to not have toxic people around you. Sort of like when you are trying to eat healthier or work out more. The positive people in your life will understand the changes you are trying to make in your life and, hopefully, will want to help you make those changes. While on the other hand, those negative people may make fun of you or criticize you for trying to make these changes. It will be really clear to you who is supportive and who is not.
Your negative relationships will hold you back from growing and they are most likely the people that take advantage of your people pleasing ways in the first place. So here is what you are going to do. Kick those people to the curb because they are going to continue to try to take advantage of you. Keep growing and improving yourself and hopefully start to see the changes in some of the weight being lifted off your shoulders.
KNOW THAT THERE IS A CHOICE
My fellow people pleasers out there, do you ever feel that guilt because you said no or that you couldn’t go or that you just didn’t have the time. I want all of you to know that the next time you find yourself in the position of please or “disappoint,” try to stop and really think about what your next words or actions are going to be. I know that my typical reaction is to dive right on in and do whatever I can to help somebody and then watch them feel happy. It’s not wrong to want other people to be happy, you just have to make it a conscious choice and not a reaction that costs you your own happiness.
I have unfortunately been in this type of choice situation quite a few times and every time I feel like I should have given myself a little grace and done what my heart was truly telling me to do. Take a minute to step back and respond thoughtfully and intentionally. And if you do say no, don’t apologize for it! That is my biggest piece of advice there because it is truly okay to say NO! It doesn’t make you a bad person at all, it just makes you a person that knows where their line has been drawn. Own your decision and feel good about it. The world will keep turning, I promise! Just because you chose to say no doesn’t mean you’re not a kind, empathic person. You’re simply putting yourself first in that moment and that’s nothing to feel guilty about.
LEARN TO BE SELF-AWARE
Over the last few years, I have really loved my journey of self-awareness because I have learned so much about myself and my limits as to what I can handle. It has allowed me to grown in so many different ways and it has helped me not be a people pleaser 24/7. But self-awareness can kind of seem like a concept that is hard to achieve, right? Like how do you even learn to become more self-aware in the first place? I struggled with this because I didn’t know what I needed and what my limits truly were in life until I hit that breaking point that you always hear people talk about. You may be wondering, Danielle how does being self-aware relate to being a people pleaser? Well becoming more self-aware will help you know when you are shining your people-pleaser behaviors (yes, kind of like the batman signal), the situations that trigger it, and even when you need to take a few steps back.
GIVE YOURSELF SOME GRACE
This is really the thing I have struggled with as a people pleaser and that is the point of realizing that it is okay to care about yourself and be a little selfish every once in a while and say no I need to do this for myself. You don’t want kicking this habit to turn into you being hand on yourself if you “fail,” so give yourself some grace. Start small like I mentioned above and if you find yourself taking care of other before taking care of yourself, don’t punish yourself for it. Take pride in the small steps to make and remember to just take some time and do things for yourself every now and then.
Are any of y’all people pleasers? What is the hardest thing for y’all being a people pleaser? As always thank y’all for stopping by and reading. I will see y’all back here next time.